Most people haven't met this word yet. Echoism is when I fear taking up too much space. I don't ask for what I want, I don't want to be a bother, I don't want to celebrate... or even include me. In its worst cases, it's self-abandonment, and even self-erasure.
I'll reflexively go to take care of everyone else's needs while mine go quiet. Worst case? I apologize for existing. Many people have seen this as "codependence," and naturally so. Oh, they're codependent so they'll take care of you. Oh, they're codependent, so they'll put you first. (Real, but there's a difference.)
It's now three categories: Codependence, People Pleasing, and Echoism.
If you've ever asked yourself "why do I always feel used?" - this page is for you.
Every story about narcissism has an Echo in it. She is usually the one no one is looking at. While there are loads of YouTubers and therapists who are talking about "narcissistic abuse" (and we should be), wildly enough, that's still focusing on them, the person who took up all that space, "the narcissist."
We're trying to understand them "out there," when we are actually ignoring ourselves. It's important to understand narcissism and this type of abuse. Here, we're talking about the flip side of that argument. The echoist.
It was Dr. Craig Malkin who coined the term. He places echoism on a spectrum with narcissism. Echoism at 0 on the scale and narcissism at 10 on the other side of the scale. It's an understanding that the phrase oh, they're just so narcissistic doesn't work (just isn't accurate). Without going into rabbit holes (and there are plenty here), we actually need a little narcissism. But another way to say that might be:
It's when we take up TOOOOO much space, that it can be a problem. And on the flip side, when we take up too little space, that it can be a problem, too. According to his book, we want to be in the middle of that 0-10 spectrum.
Getting to celebrate me when I get a raise, or my birthday, or other success. Putting others' needs first and letting others shine when these times arise, too. Those people in the middle with the 4-6? That's kinda the goal.
They may have been actual narcissists. But the "other" might have INTRUDED in their space with fear and anxiety. That fear/anxiety could have DOMINATED the scene. It could have been alcoholism or emotional abuse or violence.
The Other (the parent), just bombarding you with "Well, why do you do this? Why do you want that? Who do you think you are that you want so much attention?!" It could have been that you just didn't know when the other shoe was going to drop. This is all the blueprint of someone taking up too much space. This is all the emotional abuse side.
All the meanwhile (and unconsciously or consciously), I'm watching this, I'm looking at this as a kid saying, no, no way am I gonna be like that! No freaking way. (So I make sure I don't show up, or that everything's cool all the time - and that can lead to, worst case scenarios, of having no voice at all.) This is the echoist side.
Echoism doesn't come from nowhere. It comes from childhood emotional neglect, or even reactions to emotional abuse. But sometimes when we think of childhood neglect (I'll own it, when I have thought about neglect), I've thought about the kid who hasn't eaten enough, that is the recipient of the donated socks or shoes on those various donation drives.
But that's not it at all (well, not what I'm talking about). This kind of neglect isn't what was done to you, but what didn't happen to you. You might have been ignored, left out, just not really thought of - at all.
Here's a YouTube clip from the movie The Breakfast Club, where one of the high schoolers shares that her parents ignore her, and that's part of her pain. Watch the clip (1:49). (Yes, I highly recommend that movie. No, I don't care what generation you're in - I've recommended it across generations, and it lands.)
Sometimes it's not a "being ignored" thing, but an "oh, we forgot" thing, and didn't think of you to begin with. It's like a new-ish adult couple and one takes a new job without telling the partner, didn't even consider to tell them (but when it happens as a kid, that's the emotional neglect I'm talking about).
It's when our emotional needs were consistently unmet, unheard, unanswered that we can come to a conclusion, as a kid, that
What "should have" happened was emotional attunement - that's the ability to sense another's emotional state and respond to it in a way that says "I get it," "I see what's happening and it matters." (Emotional and Social Literacy is along these lines as well.)
And yeah, we bring that with us into adulthood.
A child in that house learns something, and learns it very well:
So you became the good child, the easy one, the low-maintenance one. But this means that I'm minimizing my needs to avoid being a bother. Everything's cool. I got it. But what might be happening is that I'm shrinking, contracting, becoming smaller, wait, no, I've become invisible.
Interestingly, for some people - and I'd put echoists here, too - anger can show up as an advocate. Anger (and that can be another rabbit hole) is that signal that says that wasn't okay - that I was ignored, that I was left out, that I wasn't considered. THEN there's the Self-Anger, that I should have known about this, should have done something about this, etc. If you'd like to learn more of my thoughts on anger, here's that link.
It's a lot. Codependence, people pleasing and echoism, while similar, they are actually different. Echoism, at its worst, it's a dire, terrifying fear of being seen, being recognized... taking up space.
There's good news though.
If this word, echoism, echoist, resonates with you, it's actually really good. It's good because there's a word for it. You can now name it.
A lot of times I find that when I can name something and can attach it to this previously un-named, unknown feeling or, this, this sense of something, it actually "lifts" the burden of that unnamed thing. So if echoism fits, you've now named it.
Next steps could be other words and phrases, like, "boundaries," "knowing what I'm feeling," and "asking for what I want."
Allowing for my own poetic license, another phrase is, "I'll set up this appointment and just have a quick talk with Jim." (That's a little longer of a phrase but it has a nice ring to it!)